What My Last Binge Taught Me
When it comes to my eating disorder, I have two personalities inside my mind & body, and I bet you do too. One personality is out of control, likes to binge and doesn't care if the way I am eating is hurting me emotionally or physically. The other one is sweet and wants what is best for me and my body. She likes to take things slow and loves who I am inside and out. She would rather eat a salad, while my other personality would rather have a pizza.
I never really analyzed or realized that these personalities are living inside of me until I read Marianne Williamson's book, "A Course To Weight Loss." She talks about your 'thin self' and your 'not thin self.' The book takes you on an amazing journey of self-discovery and allows you to dig deep into the wounds that are causing your dysfunctional eating. As I've said before and I'll say it again... it's not about the food. And it never has been.
After I read this book, something inside of me changed. I listened to the book on tape while I was traveling one weekend. While listening to it, I really resonated with the lessons and principles. On a subconscious level, something stuck... something resonated and I stopped feeling the urge to binge or stress eat. Until today.
The book teaches you about self-love and how important it is to overcome stress eating. I started to feel a deep love for myself and started asking myself what I would like to eat and what would make me feel my best. I listened for the answer. I wanted to do what was best for my body. I wanted to listen to the part of me that felt a need to take care of my body, mind, and spirit. Today was a little different.
I felt some stress in the middle of the day. I was also starving by noon, which is never good! I went to get a sandwich and some macaroni salad for lunch. I shoveled it down and ate way too much. After I was done, I started craving something sweet... ice cream. I knew it was bad, but I wanted it anyway. In fact, I knew I was binging, but I let myself do it. This may sound weird, but I used this binge as an experiment. I let myself get the food I wanted, and I paid close attention to my thoughts and emotions during the process.
What I realized for the first time in my life, is when we are binging we are in a very manic state. Nothing about binging is sane. We are not making our own decisions. It's like something has taken over our bodies and brains, and we have no idea why we are doing what we are doing. I felt helpless. I felt like I was not in control. I have never done drugs, but I imagine that is what it feels like. The food was gone in the blink of an eye, and I can't really recall what had just happened.
I realized that to stop myself from binging or to stop a binge while it's happening, I need to connect to that sweet side of myself that wants nothing more than to take care of my body and love it. But how do I make that happen? How do I let her take over while I am shoving Doritos in my face? That is what I need to figure out. I bought a book about Tapping (EFT) for Weight Loss. I need to read that and see if it could be a big part of my answer and recovery. I also feel that meditation would really help, but I don't know if I can get into a meditative state from a manic state quickly enough.
All in all, I can see what is happening. I am not connected to my true self AT ALL when I am binging or stress eating. And what I need to do is reconnect with that loving part of myself. What I need to do now is figure out how to get myself there. This is the first time I have witnessed one of my binges and analyzed it. Usually, I have no idea what is actually going on. But I now believe I can heal since I am aware of what is happening. We will see what happens. It is a journey just like everything else in life. Life will teach me the lessons before I can heal and recover.
If you struggle with binge or stress eating, you are far from alone. I am here to support you. Keep loving yourself and don't beat yourself up when you have a bad day. We all have them. No one is perfect. Sending light and love to all of you. Have a great week!